Private show

On Sunday morning I was sitting breathless and in tears in my kitchen. In my kitchen I curled up myself on an uncomfortable chair like a kitten. Like a kitten I hugged a warm radiator next to the chair and, as I started to ignore it, I burned myself. I burned myself in the poems recited by Jo Twist - "a queer, mentalist, ex-self-harming, ex-bulimic, ex-druggie, suicide-attempt-surviving, anarchist, punk, atheist, green, green-haired, make-up-wearing, cross-dressing, alcoholic, vegan artist living on benefits and having a laugh" as he is introduced in an anthology "Poems To Read [Before U Die]". I burned myself in the words said by Jo - my dearest Jo, who has chosen me to be his secret-ally. 

On Sunday morning, in my kitchen, sharing the same shade of African green on our hair and surrounded by the smell of a vegan meal which I had prepared for lunch we did his rehearsal for his performance. My wooden spoon, which my Dad gave me after one of his trips to Zakopane (the place in my country where Jo has never been and, I believe, he has never heard about) was his mic that morning. We went through his poems and short speeches between them, the beginning and the end of his planned performance. As a PR specialist I would have liked to be on help... but he closed my mouth by his words dripping from his lips; he wetted my eyes with his blood, his scabs, his flesh; he let me believe that I was 41...

I am 41
In hospital
On the Brandon Unit.
Staring out the window
At an unseeing skyline,
With Jezza in the background, cursing bad parents,
With a book in my lap
I can’t understand.

I am 41
In hospital
On the Brandon Unit.
Locked away with 30 other mentalists.
Threatened with being sectioned
If I try and leave.
With an EDL member in my face.

I am 41
In hospital
On the Brandon Unit.
With 15 stitches
Itching in my left wrist.
With a piece of metal
Implanted in my left wrist.

I am 41
In hospital
On the Brandon Unit.
With prescription drugs leaving my body.
With no sleep for 6 days and nights.
With visions of skulls and swastikas in my head.

I am 41
In hospital
On The Brandon Unit.
With one can of cheap, weak lager
For a Christmas present.

I am 41
In hospital
On the Brandon Unit.
I am being born.
[Jo Twist, Poems To Read Before U Die, 2012 Showcase  Smoothie]

On Tuesday evening, on Ping...K!, as the featured performing poet's secret-ally I tried to be more professional but I was shaking as Jo's performance was very intense and touching. Despite the fact that the lights were on and he used the proper mic I saw him in my kitchen... and I was proud... proud to be chosen to be an one person audience...

Thank you Jo, NOW, and HERE, and AGAIN now...

You have sealed away the past...

A deep red and warm interior of the Y Theatre, round tables covered by soft and red table cloths, smiling people sitting around each table on old theatrical chairs, lights focused on the stage and… action. 

Nine men on the stage, with their histories enchanted in words filled the space. Nine poems made from feelings and experiences filled minds. Nine short, black and white films helped to see the poems in colours. Nine separated performances created a whole show… and this was the first part of that night.

The performers deeply touched me again, the first time they did it was a couple of months ago when they had their first launch during the “Everybody’s Reading” festival. After that event a lot changed in my way of discovering and exploring the World. I hardly understand why it happened, but the poems from their anthology tilted “The poems to read before u die” definitely makes me more alive every time I read them. The poems have made me more alive at all, even if they are about illnesses, problems, fears, hopes… or maybe because of these?

You have sealed away the past,
my memories are all of the last month… [Jo Twist]

I’m not wordless anymore!

I again deeply fell in love with you. Which time was it? I’m unable to count this as you turned me on thousands of times. Sometimes I think that you have fun playing with me this way, driving me completely craYzy and leaving me filled with you.

Yesterday you did it again. You perked me up and I felt as a patient recovering after a long and terrible illness. Please, just think outside the box and try to imagine how amazing this feeling was for me. It was like dancing in the warm summer rain. It was like lying in a soft bed in a cosy room and looking at a fire dancing in a fireplace while winter is outside. It was like flying very high even without the wings. I had the wings yesterday, and what is more they reminded themselves how to fly.

Yesterday I came out of my shell and spread my comfort zone, taking another step forward and promising myself that I will never let myself go backwards. Yesterday I pricked up my ears and I was open to everything you decided to give me, so I received a lot. You filled me making my sensitive interior meaningful. You helped me accept that I’m not perfect and I never will be, but I’m good enough.

I fell in love with you, sitting on an uncomfortable stool in a chilly but nice bar. The rain outside played some music quietly on the sills. The candles' light made the room homelike. I was tired after mixing different words in English, Polish and Spanish in my head all day. Because of this I was a little lost sometimes, but I tried very hard to focus on the extraordinary people around, who made you shine. 

And you shined! And again I fell deeply in love with your words, your music, your sounds... with you – POETRY.

The holes that make up a sponge…

Autumn in Leicester is very colourful and powerful not only because of yellow and crimson leaves on trees, but also because of the variety of cultural events. The first one, from the long list of the autumn Leicester festivals, is “Everybody’s Reading Festival” related to poetry and literature. This year I had an opportunity to take part in a number of the Everybody’s Reading Festival’s events which I really enjoyed.

I took part in a workshop called “Mass media – inspiration for poetry and art”, which was led by a poet Jo Twist and an artist Magnus (Gallery Guest/Galleri Gestur). During several hours of this workshop, participants created their collages and poems, inspired by news from the local newspapers, for me this was a really creative time.

I joined meetings with authors and poets as well as lyrical lunchtimes and other meetings with charismatic activists. There were a lot of things which I will remember for a long time, however there was one that I will keep deep in my heart for the rest of my life, this was the Anthology Launch of the “Showcase Smoothie” project. This is a literature and music project, led by Leicestershire Partnership NHS Trust, designed to showcase the talent of young sufferers with mental health issues. Last year this project was dedicated to nine young schizophrenics and other mental health sufferers, who worked hard on their poems. Their work was published in the anthology titled: “Poems to read (before u die)”, introduced to the public during the Everybody’s Reading Festival. During the Anthology Launch these nine amazing men read aloud their poems and performed them. They did this very beautifully, showing not only their excellent writing skills, but also their professional performing talent. These two hours of reading poetry was breathtaking and absolutely unbelievable. It is difficult to imagine the difference between my standard and ordinary perception of reality and their splendid point of view on two different scales: the first one familiar to every people and the second one – their own. I was deeply touched and impressed. I laughed and cried at the same time, moved by the smart words, extraordinary emotions and fantastic performance given by fabulous people, who are full of surprises even for themselves. Just to give an example of their way of thinking I would like to quote a verse from one of the poems written by Zeropence: “I am the holes that make up your bath sponge”. How sophisticated these words are!!!

The authors of “Poems to read (before u die)” have definitely shown me a different world full of difficulties and fears but also beauty. I wish I was the holes that make up a sponge…